it hurst when anger is the only thing that drives your ambition

story about healing one self

I was once crying in the bathroom, sobbing, yelling, and curse myself because my father just told me to be useful, to have money, to be my parents pride because we have a lot of debts to my father’s family.

My father’s younger sister and his mother always make their way to help us financially, from education necessities to daily needs. Isn’t it good to have relative that cares? Unfortunately, this one is a no.

Them who had power will generously gave it all out to you and ask in return.

And that was the tale of my father’s family. They will ask you to pay them back, not only with the exact same amount money that my family owe, but with your life too.

You have to worship them and obey.

As far as I remember, it was 2020. When COVID hits and everything is in ruin. I just went through a breakup and I hear my own father told me that I’m being a burden (implicitly).

And from that moment, I was angry. And for the sake of God, I did really push myself over the edge, always on alert, get in an internship, and crawl my way up to the top, to be the best, to have my career on set, and to financially independent, at least for my own allowance, because I have to do that. I don’t have a safety net.

And I need to be perfect.

I’m on my last semester of college, writing my thesis, assistant for my lecturer’s project, have one internship, and on 3 months' probation for my full-time job. And the highlight of them all, I’m not staying in one place, I had to go back and forth with local train for 40km approximately distance range.

Amazing right? Who would’ve known I can manage to be alive?

Long story short, 2022 I met (again) with my high school friend, and we share a lot of stories, and somehow, I feel that we clicked so fast and now we’re together, romantically.

He helped me heal something he didn’t break. He took a good care of me. He validates my feelings and always, always listen, he makes me feel seen.

And that moment leads to what other people said, I lowered my walls and becoming warm again. I’m healing and becoming more humane.

He is my safety net and I’m at peace, at last.

But the downside is, I can’t push myself over the limit like I used to, I lost the fire inside me, I have no rage, no anger, and that was my revenge that fuel the ambition. And I feel stuck.

I’m happy with him but I’m unhappy with how myself turns out right now.

Back then I have so much hate, and what drives me this far is hate. And now I’ve lost the thing that become my motivation to get going, how would I achieve things?

I was once read about if someone starting to heal, they starting to get lazy, because they’re finally in tune with what they need, they listen to the body and the mind. And they’re not in denial to accept that rest is necessary.

But it hurts for me, I have pressure bigger than before but why can’t I bleed myself to death like I used to? Why do I have to being lazy?

I’ve been surviving life for more than 20 years, now I’m 24 and I need to work on myself more.

But, how do I fight when there’s no war to go for?