Own up to what you didn’t do right

What’s the cost anyway? You have nothing to lose for admitting that you’re wrong.

I walk alone, at night, it’s thirty minutes walk by myself with two ice creams cone in my hand, I opened my mask a little just so I can eat them, but don’t worry I walked alone, got no crowds at all. And if I get infected the virus airborne, well, I don’t quite care cause all I think is to get rid of this feeling, I’m thinking of ending things, just like the very new movie of Charlie Kaufman in Netflix.

Few hours ago, my cat doesn’t came back home as usually he always does, he came around 3pm later, he looks so dirty and confuse, my sister takes him up but he’s meowing, the painful meow just like when I accidentally stepped on his tail. We didn’t realize anything wrong, he sleeps and my parents goes to the supermarket around 5pm, the cat awakes and I decided to bathe him since he doesn’t take any bath for two months. Everything’s still normal, I bathe him, with struggle of course cat doesn’t like water, especially domestic cat like him. Yet, everything looks normal until I dried him with towel, he meowed again, like he doesn’t want me to dried him, but his voice sounds like when my sister took him up.

Hours passed, he seems chilled like every moment of after-bath, he licks himself, tidying his purr, but when my sister took him up again, there he is, the painful meowing came out of his mouth. Something is wrong, maybe at the time when he disappeared someone kicks him, or he gets accidentally injured. As my parents came home, he eats, and sleep again in my room.

Well, pet already ate his meal now the owner’s turn, as time passed as we eat, I began to concerned again about my cat, and mom suddenly remember this morning my fucking holy father tossed the cat, like, he took him up and just tossed it like he tossed a bag of trash. The cat landed well though but that could be possible for his condition. There he is, the innocent human being who worship God so much gets triggered, he starts yelling and denial about the possibility of what he did maybe getting my cat’s injured. He keeps telling me that people do that a lot, in movies set, cat has their strength to jump from height blabla, so Karen.

Tossing cat like that is not good, I mean yes, cat could landed even from the highest building ever (the viral video of cat jumpped off from 9th floor of apartment), but tossing cat intentionaly literally could harm him, maybe the hand that holds it wrong, we don’t know. I watched the video of people tossing the cat like that in television series but they get roasted by tons of angry people, because it doesn’t right, what’s the purpose though?

Now the old man getting mad and he talks about responsibility of me not laundrying my own fucking clothes, which he did. I mean, what?

Gaslighting, people, this happens when people infected by toxic.

Yes I’m wrong I postponed the laundry and I don’t asked him to do mine either, but I’m talking about the possibility my cat get Injured here, so what’s so hard to understand? He don’t have to change the topic and pointing out my mistake, fucking useless old man who never wanted to learned.

I stop debating about it because no point. But I cried, I hold my tears as I go to my room, I burst into tears and go on. Maybe the reason why I cried over his behavior is not him hurting me, but the fact that my relative become a person that I avoid in my life, like, you’re a parent you need to listen, and learn, you need to become a person who accept your not-know-about-it-yet. I’m struggling my life because his incapable of being wrong.

I don’t wanted to be home, I take a walk, crying behind my mask, my eyes got so blurry but I’m not afraid as if car hits me. I don’t wanted to be home, but I came back after all. I thought I left all the burden behind, but no, they linger this time. The weight of me being done with everything is accomplished, it’s all here, right now, I call my partner and cried even hard. I told him I’m so done and upset, I even punched the wall till my hands bleed.

This is the first time after a very long break of me having my mental breakdown, wanting to end my life, embracing every negativity and took it off as revenge, I really wanted to end my life, because the pandemic makes me feel like I have no future, everything is full of uncertainty, and this old man Jenkins finally make it all complete.

And I’m still thinking of ending things.

But I’m alive.

11pm