what depression looks like

the story that easy to digest

i never told anyone, or do i? i mean not exactly sit and talk about my depression, anxiety, and all the list i’m in.

back in the 2017, i experienced this strange physical symptoms, like hard to breath, cold sweating, zoned out, heart beats fast, and anxious. so i decided to go to consult to a psychology.

i mean i already diagnosed with depression and bipolar 2 back in the 2016 but this one is no joke hurting me like hell.

it took me months, 5 till 6 back and forth, until the report comes out.

now let me tell you how it felt, to have a mild depression (for now, later i will talk about the severe depression i once have)

it looks gross on me, when it hits, it’s hard for me to think and evaluate

sometimes journaling can’t even help

first symptoms is tired, exhausted, i have no energy to do something even wake up and face the world, it’s different from lazy.

i can’t even tidy up my bedsheet, i’m not capable of wake up and take a bath.

i lost my appetite, i eat i do, but i eventually forget the taste, and i don’t feel hungry nor full, i just eat, and that’s it

i have zero energy to put a lipbalm on, i let my lips dried and chapped for days. i don’t even do a skincare for day and night

the symptoms was vary and not same over time, but the exhausted feeling is still same

sometimes i sleep a lot, and sometimes i don’t sleep at all, i get paranoid, anxious, and can’t shut my eyes for a sec.

i try to watch movies, i laugh, i cried, but when its over nothing’s linger.

i have no interest in eating my favorite meal, i bought toppoki this afternoon, i eat, i’m happy about it but they go through.

i didn’t enjoy music, i zoned out evertime i read, everything is hard.

the triggers also vary, i don’t get a chance to identify one right now (8/09) but i guess i just need a break, or an escape. i don’t know, i’m not sure this time

on monday (6/09) i hanging out with my friend and everything was fine, once i come back and sleep and woke up, it started.

at first i thought it was just usual tired, but it’s different, it gets heavy

today is wednesday and it still happening, i’m still capable of writing this and that but i don’t want to talk with anyone, i don’t wanna eat, and i sleep a lot.

i guess it’s about body image too, like, i now i’m getting fat and i should cut some snacks and sweets and work out a lot, but i did work out and do healty diet

nothing wrong with it, this depression, this old friend just out of nowhere sink in. and it sucks

i cried a lot, and stop, and cry again, and stop.

and my question is, when will this gets better? my holiday is over on September 13th, i need to get ready to back to college.

i don’t know,

its kind of personal i guess